2 in the morning

Red & Lacey

There is no love without forgiveness,

And no forgiveness without love.

You'd be lying if you ever say that you loved a person 24/7. That would most probably the biggest lie you ever told. Basically, loving a person at it's deepest at one point wouldn't mean that you will not hate that person the next moment. But it's the commitment one has for the other that keeps the relationship going on strong. I've been struggling with that recently. I have to admit, Missy talk-it-all doesn't think that being committed is as easy typing it out in this blog. And if it were to be that easy, there wouldn't be a word called divorce in our dictionary or simply hearts being broken.

Every time, you hear the same old stories about one person leaving another with so many reasons. Even some that we'd never heard before. But it all goes back to questioning yourself, "Could you handle it? Could you?". It would be sweet for the first few months being together, and that's typical. Everyone knows that. But when waves of burden, anger, frustration, unsatisfactory and sadness comes your way, what would you do? Would you just ignore the fact that it will be there no matter where you go or at least face the fact even knowing that there is no solution to it.

I really struggle. At times, I really don't wanna care about it anymore. And feel that everything will be a-o-kay if we'd just leave it as it is and move on. But what's the point, really? Finding another person, falling in love again, realizing that that person's not perfect enough for you and down goes to the drain. It's just gonna be a cycle, really. Until you face the fact, it is gonna be the same. I keep telling myself that, not to give up (x100000000)

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I'm sorry, I know I don't express as much as I'm suppose to. To tell you the truth, I'm afraid that if I were to express too much that it may seem like as if I need you way more than you need me. As if I want you way more than you want me. As if I'm some lonely, attention-seeking, desperate girl. But I see that I've been so used to it, bottling up too much of my feelings towards you and that's not healthy for us.

I still can't find a reason from you to leave you. But there is a million reasons coming out from me, my mistakes that made me think twice sometimes. I am so selfish to keep such a good man with me, but yet you forgive me each time. I couldn't even afford to forgive myself when I talk to you, but you did. You would still hold my hand and tell me that you love me. I love you too. Should I be selfish and keep you all to myself? I really want to.

Joshua Jireh Len, you're really amazing. It's just impossible to leave you, I've tried but couldn't. You always have your way to bring me back to you. I mean, who would still love me wholeheartedly after the mistakes I've done to hurt you in the past? And who would still say that it's his fault when obviously it was mine? And who would drive down all the way from Sri Petaling just to meet his girl in this congested area which he hates?

I promise I'd show you how much more I long to spend time with you, just that glance would make me smile. No matter how annoyed I am of you sometimes, I promise I'd really really really really try to accept it because I do love you just the way you are. I just have to remember that.

evon

Raised me up

Wisdom is Given by God, not Learned.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come,

As a result of getting something we don't have.

But rather of recognizing & appreciating what we do have.

First of all, I wanna thank my 청소년 목회자 and 목사님의 아내 for your support in my life. I have learned so much from both of you in the year 2010. I used to be disappointed to find that Christians are such hypocrites and that they can never live up to what they say but both you and Jinny have showed me how true christian have a choice to actually be who God wants them to be and never to use God's name in vain. You have showed me to love our enemies and our neighbours as ourselves. And to always blessed others even if it's a simple meal or movie, like how God have blessed us. You have showed me that money is not the most important thing in our lives but God and He will provide us with our every needs if we come before Him. Besides reading books telling us that God will take care of our relationships, your life story with Jinny have touched me tremendously. Giving me hope & peace that God do care about our significant other. Thank you for being an awesome role model and example to me as you are ♥

Jing Ling, you are truly an angel to the people around you. I wanna thank you for being in most of the chapters of my 2010. When I decided to volunteer myself in church, you've opened both hands for me. Through tough times and fun times, you were there for me. You've taught me, molded me, showed me, loved me, took care of me like a big sister. You have given me encouragement, faith and hope when I looked down on myself. And your love and passion for the church have made me realize that mine have so much to build up too. Without realizing, you have truly impacted me with your personality and working together with you have been an experience that I will never forget, a priceless one ♥

James Tan Shou En, make me my milo! Hahaha. Well, what do I have to say to you. You had been my slave, colleague, boss, milo maker and best friend for this 1 year. And boy can I say, it's been a crazy roller coaster ride. There were fun times, crazy times and times when we get so serious together with our work. But I just wanna say thank you for being my companion and a listening ear to me all these while. I could still remember that if it wasn't for you chatting with me through msn 1 year back when I was facing my most down moments, I would have never came back to Christ. You may not know, but you have showed me how selfless a person could be on the inside. That it is alright to sometimes pay the price just for Christ sake cause He had paid the highest price of all. You have always been good at giving all out to God despite how tired you are, or how many hours of sleep you had the day before. I never knew how you could do it, but you managed to pull it off. Since then, I never much dare to complain how tired I am cause I know you're even more tired than me haha. Well, you are an amazing person to me no matter how others may see you as ♥

Gracie, it's been a long long long journey with you. How are you, love? :) Every year, we tell each other, " I've seen you grown so much. From physical, mental to spiritual. And I am very proud of you. " Well, every word I said there is true. We have seen each other grow so much and I am glad to say that it is you I have grown together with. You have showed me true friendship in Christ through thick and thin and encouraged me when I was tired and down. You are my tears when I cry and my pain when I fall, if you get what I mean haha. No one ever had so much of their tears on me before until I met you. Your non-judgemental heart towards me throughout the years, showing me that no one is ever perfect besides God. Thank you so much, for all these good memories. That no matter how busy or how far we may be apart next time, I know I have these memories to take me along with. I love you very much ♥

Poh poh, hehe. Your presence around me & Gracie, (I can help her say on her behalf without her permission) have enlighten and brought smiles to our faces. Well, even though the days of us are not as long because you are always FLYING lol, but you are as important to me. So much laughter that you have brought along with you. Thank you so much, your love & caring towards me I could feel. You were there for me when you know I had so many things to do for youth camp. You were there for me when my tummy is grumbling haha. And I know, that every year will be a new and adventures one with you and Gracie. The 3 of us, we are like Powerpuff Girls lol. That was random, but I love you so much steel ♥

Bff, oh gosh you sleepy head, slowly poke, more blur than peanut you! Haha >:) It's been 4 years yo. When I first saw you, you were skinny. Then we grew up together, you were skinny. And now that we've grown older, you are still skinny! Looool TEEHEE. Anyways, you are the awesomest shopping companion ever! I could shop with you all day and still want to shop haha. Thank you so much for going through thick and thin with me since high school days when everyone else is busy. You are always the one who would find time for me even though you're the busiest man in town. You are always the one reading my mind and knowing when I'm about to cry and not mention anything about it to others cause I never liked it. And you are always there to help me choose during my dilemma moments in shopping haha. I hope that as we grow older, our Bff-ship will maintain forever ♥

Lao po even though our time spent together in the year 2010 is so little, I still love you every single bit. For your craziness, sarcastic little jokes, just plain laughing with me, window shopping or just yum cha-ing together. Being together in high school, we've been through alot. People backstabbing, hated, disagreed, fought. You hated all those. And for me, I just didn't like being updated about gossips or school news. From there, I guess we just bonded haha. Remember seeing each other cry in the girl's toilet, now to think of it is actually quite cute. Well, I don't exactly remember how we started being so close, but all I know is that I really love you loads! I wish you all the best in your STPM this year. Don't stress out too much ya? I know you'll do good ♥

 Last but not least, boyfriend. You must be wondering why you're last again. Well I saved the best for last, I suppose :) Well, it's been a long ride with you this year, isn't it? A glimpse, and it's already gonna be our 2nd year together. I still remember the first time we set eyes on each other. It was a funny scene, but I loved it. It was then that you've saved me from my misery. Yes, it's cliche but very true. I never thought I could love someone so deeply again ever since my heart was shattered into pieces but you hold my hand and took me by surprise. You didn't bother knowing about my past because you always remind me that it only matters about our future. You didn't care how far apart we may live because it was the moment spent together that we appreciate most. No one could ever care so much about my studies, financial needs or even my spiritual walk with God until I met you. And no one could ever be so committed and grateful in my relationship as much as you do. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories. You're my inspiration, my angel and I love you ♥

Happy 22nd Birthday





evon

2010 comes to an end

My 2010 To Remember

Memory,

Is the diary we all carry about with us.

When I had this deal with James to write down about our 2010, I was thinking to myself " Wow, this is gonna be one heck of an essay." But we agreed to it, because this year had been a tremendous ride to me and I can say that even the people around me would say so. Here goes nothing :)

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It all begins with everyone after SPM. If you didn't know, it's usually a trend for all that our lives begin after we're 17. And like every ordinary person, I went and took my license and hope that I could get it as soon as possible. As days goes by, those who went back for Form 6, went back for Form 6 and those who chose their courses, went to respective colleges as well. Then, I look at myself being clueless of what I want to do with my future. Besides the fact that her parents are totally praying and hoping that one day she would take up Accountancy. I always ask myself, do I really look like an accountant to you? Or I do not want to take up that course because of the voices around me telling me not to? It was then I told God, " God, You know what's best for me. Use my life to the fullest extend that even I myself can never imagine. I give it all to you. "

So from there, my life journey with this amazing God started.

I found out that I was selected for National Service months ago in school. You could see the grief and agony all written on my face. January passed with a blink of an eye, then February. But there wasn't a single news or letter about my camp site. A few people came upon me during these stoned moments, asking me to attend bible college while waiting for God's call upon what to do but with reluctantly decline all of it. But as the days goes by, I couldn't sit still at home any longer so I urge my dad and myself to finally join the bible college in March. At first, I could not believe what I have gotten myself into. I mean seriously, of all things. Bible college? There were discouragement here and there telling me that it's gonna be all about the bible and that it will bore the crap out of you. But gosh, are you wrong. God opened my heart to see how miraculous He could be. Being in church every Sunday for the past 8 years did not make me understand or know him any much more than I did in bible college. So much closer to God.

The people I met there, truly inspired me to glorify God in ways I could never imagine.

In the middle of my days in bible college, I know I have to do something with this passion of God in me before it burns out. That's when I decided to dedicated my year to serve my church in any ways that I could. I started coming in on random days just to see what I could help out on, and Jing Ling grabbed a hold on me. We were going to camps for children ministry and improving on it together. I can say, even with that I already felt so blessed. To be able to work and learn alongside with her. And from there I received my letter from the government that I were to pack up and leave to Ipoh in 2 weeks. While realizing that I have bible school to attend, I know I already have to defer. Whether to defer it till I'm old or do it on the following batch was a choice. Temptation caught unto me, but I know what was the right thing to do. 

During preparation for my graduation night from bible college, some of my friends and I were asked to do a dance. And a week before the night itself, I fell from the stairs so badly that I could not feel my toes. I don't remember how it'd happen but for those who saw it, they said I glided like a footballer who just scored a goal. The next thing I know, Grace was there next to me crying cause of my pain and people were praying for my healing. I was so touched by everyone, I felt like God's little princess that day despite the fall. But you know what? God is the one who heals. I recovered days later and danced for my graduation night as though nothing has happened that day. And there, bible college ended in May.

To tell you the truth, I miss everyone back there. But I go on with a great big smile on my face, knowing that this is one chapter of my life and each of us from different areas of Malaysia are doing something big for God.

May 12th - Happy 1 Year Anniversary

From where Tung Ling Bible College had left me with, National Service was next on. I had to give up serving my church for 3 months to be away in Kuala Kangsar. I never knew that the day would come when I'd actually need to leave home for more than 4 days 3 nights. Knowing that there won't be any ways to contact my family, boyfriend or friends was the most dreadful of all. I could still remember the look on my boyfriend's face the night before I'd to leave. Knowing that I'd get my phone at 12pm sharp, you'd be there waiting to text me. For 3 months, commitment was the one that kept us together and I love you for that.

God truly guided and protected me along the way in National Service. He gave me peace when I found out that I was the only Christian and english speaking person there. He gave me joy to go through my days there wearing horribly ugly long sleeved shirts under the sun and waking up 5am in the morning to march. He gave me understanding to people of different cultures and language. He gave me friends that would willingly follow me to church just because I was alone. And from there, I shared about Jesus. There was a semester break in the middle and right when I arrived back in camp site, I fell into the drain and found my friends carrying me to the clinic. My toe nail turned instant black and I was forced to pluck it out. It was horrifying knowing that blood was coming right out of my skin. That wasn't all. It was Malam Terakhir with all my friends there and ended up being stung by something unknown and got me scratching myself all over. It was so bad, I couldn't breathe but I remember calling unto God in my head silently that nothing shall come against me even on my last day here. And it all went away the next day. Well, I know that the devil doesn't want us to remember any good from these experience that we go through, but even though there are minor injuries here and there, I will always remember that He will protect me no matter where I go. My God is so big!

After returning from Ipoh, I started volunteering myself back in church again. Oh, what pleasure to be back! Knowing that I could give even more to the church and this time coming together with James. James, James, James, you have taught me so much this half of the year. Even though you can't see it, but giving was what you live up to. I guess you got it from Ps.Hock as well as Jing Ling haha. And I really look up to you all. Because brought up from young, I was always very calculative especially on money. But to see all of you always blessing others around you, made me want to do the same as well. And wow ever since then, no matter how much I seemed to spend, I did not actually face any financial problems even with the needs of shopping.

Orang Asli Mission Trip, Overnight Prayers, Change Your World Community Work, Kanching Waterfall Outing and the 1Malaysia Presentation was one of my cherished moments with the youths this year. Knowing that no matter how busy we all are in life, still being able to serve our God by serving others and praying together as one would really please Him.

Later on when I first found out that I was to chair an event - Children Camp 2010, I was still unsure whether I could take up this role for God. I know my willingness could get me far, but of my talents,skills and capacity. I don't have much confidence on myself. But it was then, I realize how much I must rely on God. How much our bare hands can do and only God could fulfill our every needs. How much I need to stay connected and intimate with Him. It wasn't only a change to the kids in that camp but a real Change 180 to find that God was so real to me that moment. I know I cannot do everything on my own.

And to help James out with Youth Camp 2010, I know I want to do this for God and not myself. Eventhough it was real tiring with all the late comers, budgeting and etc, the committees and I knew that God was with us all the while. I can say, it wasn't as easy because some of the committees have their respective works. But each and everyone one of us still gave our all. And it turns out that camp was awesome. It was the presence of God that made all these possible.

" It’s time for your story- James

It’s time to stand up and stand out - E Von

It’s time to decide - Nevina

Its time to change - CXY

It’s time to stand for who we believe in - Krsytal

Its TIME to rise and start doing our duty that had Been Given by HIM - Josh "

With Youth Camp, I officially end my year as 1 chapter of my life that I would never forget. A memory that is worth keeping. An experience that is worth everything. This year, God has trained me to be stronger than I could imagine myself to be, spiritually, physically and mentally. All glory to our great big God <3

I will never forget what You've done in my life throughout this year, 2010.

evon